Meet my scars –
So I’m actually writing a blog post! (I’m supposed to be a blogger, lol at that). The reason being is that I took this picture the other day without really meaning to, and came across it on my camera roll this morning. I never photograph my scars. I have had them for years now, and although I like to think of myself as body confident (most of the time) I often forget how self conscious I am about my scars from surgery. I want this blog to be personal, and this is about as personal as it gets for me…
A little background: about 4 years ago I had breast reduction surgery, taking my boobs from a HH cup (I know, double H) down to a D. Unfortunately, the surgery didn’t go exactly to plan, and I ended up having to have corrective surgery 3 days later, which still didn’t fix the problem. I ended having to have wound care for 6 months, every day, until my wounds healed. It turned out I was allergic to the internal stitches used, and my body rejected all 26 them from inside my chest. As you can imagine, it was a very difficult 6 months. I was in hospital most days to have my wounds cleaned, dressed and packed, which was not only awful in itself but extremely painful. When my wounds finally closed, I was left with some extremely prominent scars over the entirety of both breasts. I’ll insert a little diagram of how breast reduction scars sit to give you a better idea of how much scarring covered my boobs. My nipples were left entirely misshapen (they barely resembled nipples) and the scars running underneath my boobs ran from the very center of my chest, all the way round to my ribs. they should never have been this big. Not only were they huge, they were red/purple/a magical rainbow
of colours, very lumpy and extremely painful, even two years after the surgery.
After living with these scars for a couple of years, last year I decided to go to a new surgeon and finally see what could be done to improve them. He was able to fix the shape of my nipples and vastly improve the lumpyness and size of my scars, making them a lot less painful when I wear bras/bikinis. Although they are now a lot (and I mean a lot) better than they were, I still have pretty significant scarring that will most likely never go away. Ever since the very first operation, I never look at my scars, which might sound weird, but I just don’t. If I am getting changed in front of a mirror, I will naturally focus my eyes anywhere other than my boobs. If I’m trying on lingerie, I will always get the bra on and in position before looking in the mirror, again to avoid making eye contact with my scars. This is something I never realised I did until I saw this picture, which is honestly the first time I have seen them in a looong time.
This week I spent a good hour sitting in front of my bedroom mirror, looking at my scars. I probably looked like a lunatic but whatever. I realised that I don’t hate them anymore, they used to make me feel ugly, and I used to want to hide them, but I don’t feel that way about them anymore. Yes my boobs aren’t ‘normal’ and most likely never will be , and I don’t know anyone else who has scars like mine, but why should that be a bad thing? I have learnt to love my stretch marks, so why cant i learn to love my surgery scars. I think from now on that is what i’ll do.
To my scars, I am sorry for hiding you for so long, and for ignoring you, and for wishing you weren’t there, I promise not to do that any more (seeing
as I just posted a picture of you on the internet, I couldn’t even if i wanted to).
The flaws are me. The scars are me. And the imperfections make me beautiful. (that was cheesy af but totally true).
p.s. as if i just published this. I need a bravery sticker or something at least.